How often have you felt that people are taking advantage of you or that you aren't appreciated? That you work hard, yet you feel like people don't value your efforts? That you put in so much energy yet it never feels like enough?
You, my friend, are not alone. We all struggle with setting and respecting boundaries at different times and with different people and situations. Setting boundaries is so important for a healthy and happy life. While it can be difficult to set these limits, their payoff is priceless.
Before we get into exactly how to set and maintain boundaries, it's important to build an understanding of them. Establishing boundaries often requires behaviour change. For effective behaviour change, it's helpful to understand as much as you can about the situation. No one wants to put effort into something that they know nothing about.
Here's how we'll break it down:
The importance of setting and maintaining boundaries.
Boundaries. Limits. Why does it matter?
Without proper boundary setting, life can get pretty difficult. To maintain a healthy outlook and good mental health, boundaries are key.
Without good boundaries, it's easy to experience the following:
Difficult relationships
Anxiety, stress, depression
Passive aggressiveness, poor attitude
Low energy levels, never having enough energy to take care of yourself
Worrying a lot about how people perceive you
Burnout
Boundaries are important for:
Healing - In order for healing to happen, you have to feel safe and protected, not agitated and overused. It's important to protect your energy. Protect what is important to you.
Confidence - Having boundaries that are respected allows you to feel confident. It also creates space to breathe and to feel accomplished. Instead of always feeling overwhelmed and overworked.
Self-respect - It also comes down to self-respect. How much do you prioritize your limits? How often do you sacrifice your needs to please others?
Overall, good mental health (and subsequently, physical and spiritual health), requires limits and boundaries. You've probably heard it many times - you are the priority. If your cup is running low, you can't adequately help others. You must prioritize yourself first.
Where does the need for boundaries show up?
Where doesn't it show up? There's hardly a situation in life that couldn't benefit from solid boundary setting. There are certain situations or relationships that require boundaries more than others. It becomes essential when you experience negative impacts on your life because of a lack of boundaries. The goal is to set those limits before that happens, but that isn't always possible.
Consider these areas where boundaries are necessary. Think of other aspects of your life that could benefit from boundary setting.
Work
This one might be the most obvious. You've heard it before. Work/life balance. Overtime. Sacrificing your free time on evenings and weekends to submit that last minute request. The challenge here is that people think they owe it to their employer. And that they have to maintain a certain level of performance to be appreciated and to maintain their job. But your employer didn't hire you out of pity. You were hired because you're good at what you do. You have value. You have worth. To really succeed, you need to know your worth.
There are some jobs where the industry standard is toxic and not supportive of good health. That is a big issue. It may take more finesse to set the boundaries that you can. But you should still do it. And if that's not enough, find a job where you can thrive. Not just survive.
At the end of the day, it's about what you value. Is your goal to devote your life to a company? That could one day close it's doors and probably won't remember you existed. Is the work that you have to get done after regular working hours instead of spending time with family or exercising really going to make a difference? Will the company fail because you didn't get it done right that second?
Consider why you do what you do. Write out your values and see if it fits.
Relationships
This can show up as not feeling like you can express yourself comfortably or say what's on your mind. People tend to lose their own identity and get lost in the other person. You may experience resentment, anxiety. Sometimes your needs may be outside someone's boundaries or capacities. In that case, it's important to realize when someone can't be what you need.
Family
This can be an especially challenging area when there is a lack of boundaries. It may even be less obvious because generally, you've known these people forever and the boundaries were set long ago. That may just be "the way things are". And trying to change things to set boundaries that work for you might upset some people. The people who are used to having things their way and having you put their needs above your own. As difficult as it might be, it's still necessary.
This can also show up as caring for relatives and putting your needs to the side to make sure everything is good for them. It's a kind thing to do, and still requires boundaries.
Self
Sometimes we act certain ways or treat ourselves in ways that are beyond our own acceptable limit. We know what's best and what will make us feel good. But sometimes, we lose our way. And it's quite normal for people to have negative thought patterns. To be negative and even mean to themselves in ways that they wouldn't be to others.
You deserve to treat yourself the best. Set your boundaries with yourself. You know you best. Work with yourself, not against.
Why is it so hard to set boundaries?
1) People-pleasing. People aim to please. To a certain extent, that's great. But once you start sacrificing your own well-being, that's when it becomes a problem. When you think your worth comes from how other people perceive you. You determine your worth. No one else.
2) Humans are creatures of habit. We create behaviour patterns based on our experiences and what we've learned and observed. The thing is, people change. But the behaviour patterns often stay the same. And that is when some issues may come up. Take time to reflect on your boundaries every now and then. Make updates to keep them relevant to who you are as you change.
Consider this one with family and with close friends you've known forever. Your values may change as you get older, and so may your needs.
3) Trauma. There can be so many layers of complicated and even hidden emotions. Fears. Anxiety. This makes it harder to know what you want and to prioritize yourself. With proper healing, it gets easier to unblock all the layers and emotions.
How to set boundaries
1) Awareness
The first step is to become aware of your boundaries or lack thereof. Take time to look inwards and determine your needs and limits. Meditation and self-work can help you figure out what's most important to you.
2) Details
Figure out exactly what your boundaries are. Exactly where the line is. Lay out as much detail as possible so you can effectively communicate your boundaries. You know yourself. Lay out all your expectations.
3) Communication
When setting your boundaries, you want to communicate clearly and with confidence. Avoid placing blame on anyone or anything. Speak specifically from your perspective. Be able to answer any questions. If you're unsure about how to answer, say you'll think about it and get back to them. To help build your confidence with your words, practice speaking in front of a mirror.
4) Observe
After you communicate your boundaries, observe over time to see if the behaviours are changing to match. It can take time to adjust, so keep that in mind. There can be an adjustment period. Have patience and understanding. Certain situations may call for big behavioural changes. Keep communication open and honest as you move into this new way of being.
5) Adjust
Continue to reflect on your needs and boundaries and on the situation. Communicate openly with those involved. Notice if you missed something and adjust as needed. You can go through these steps several times to ensure you're happy with the boundaries you set.
Maintaining the boundaries you set
It's one thing to set the boundaries. Then you have to maintain them. This requires continuous self-work and regular check-ins with yourself and those involved. If you find the boundaries have slipped and you've reverted to the old behaviour patterns, take a breath, reflect. Acknowledge the slip up and set the boundaries back in place. Eventually, it gets easier and easier and it becomes automatic.
Remember that setting boundaries can take time. And it's best done from a grounded and calm place. Communicate with good intention from your personal perspective. Ask people for help to support you. Have confidence in what you're saying and stay true to yourself and your needs. If someone tries to barter with your boundaries to better suit themselves, put your foot down. Stand up for yourself. This is your life, it's your energy, and you deserve a joyful life.
Working with a Coach is a great way to learn your boundaries and how to set them. Everyone needs healthy boundaries. Take initiative and make it happen.